The True Art of Emotional Intelligence: Beyond Intellectual Understanding

Emotional intelligence is often hailed as the cornerstone of personal and professional success. It encompasses the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions while also being attuned to the emotions of others. Many of us may believe that simply knowing about emotional intelligence is sufficient. However, the real mastery lies far beyond mere intellectual understanding. This blog delves into why true emotional intelligence requires deeper work and how to embody it genuinely.

The Struggle for Emotional Mastery

Consider a situation where a woman I know well, and have been working with for some time now, who has also studied emotional intelligence for years, found herself repeatedly triggered by her husband’s behavior. During a recent disagreement, her husband's harsh words on the phone caused her to react intensely, screaming and threatening him. Despite her knowledge, she struggled to apply emotional intelligence in the heat of the moment. Nobody is perfect, I'm sure you've had days like this. However, this time things were different. This incident left her in a state of tears and depression, unable to function or interact with anyone for several days.

Understanding Emotional Triggers

Emotional triggers are often rooted in past experiences, particularly those from childhood. When these unresolved emotions resurface, they can cause intense reactions. In the situation, the woman’s reaction to her husband was a reflection of unresolved childhood wounds.

Emotional intelligence is not just about being aware of these triggers but about transforming our habitual responses to them. This is literally the key to Mastering Emotional Intelligence.

Beyond Awareness: The Path to Mastery

Practice and Repetition: The journey to emotional intelligence begins with self-awareness but doesn’t end there. One must practice responding calmly and kindly, even in triggering situations. This requires consistent effort and repetition to form new habits. In fact, the next time some tries to be disresepectful or hurtful as they project their hurt, I want you to be thankful for the opportunity for the challenge. Take a step back and obverse their suffering. When someone is triggered, it means they are suffering and they are not emotionally handling it. That doesn't mean you need to act the same.

Energy Management: Controlling one’s energy is crucial. This means maintaining a state of calm and composure regardless of external circumstances. Techniques such as mindfulness, meditation, and breathwork can be instrumental in managing one’s energy.

Forgiveness and Healing: True mastery involves forgiving past hurts and letting go of resentments. When we sincerely forgive, we free ourselves from the emotional charge of past events, making it easier to remain calm and untriggered in the present.

Intentional Response: Moving from reaction to response is key. This means pausing before reacting and choosing a thoughtful, kind response. This is a skill that can be cultivated through deliberate practice and self-reflection. One effective method to aid this transition is the 10-Second Rule:

• The 10-Second Rule: When you feel triggered, count backwards from 10 to 1 before responding. This simple technique creates a brief pause that allows you to recompose yourself, giving you the space to choose a more measured response. This delay helps to shift from a reactive state to a responsive state, allowing you to engage with the situation more mindfully.

Continuous Growth: Emotional intelligence is a lifelong journey. It requires ongoing work, reflection, and a commitment to personal growth. As we evolve, so does our capacity to handle emotions with grace and wisdom.

Embodying Emotional Intelligence

To truly embody emotional intelligence, one must integrate these practices into daily life. It’s not enough to understand the concepts intellectually; they must be lived and experienced. This involves a continuous process of learning, practicing, and growing. The goal is to reach a state where calmness and composure are natural responses, not forced efforts.

When we embody emotional intelligence, we can defuse tense situations, maintain control of our energy, and foster healthier relationships. This transformation not only improves our well-being but also creates a positive ripple effect in our interactions with others.

Don't be mistaken.

There are times when even the most emotionally intelligent person can get mad. Being angry doesn't mean you have completely lost control. You are human, and you have the freedom to experience all emotions. Traffic, arrogance, and children can put you in a mood, as can hormones or feeling tired. These short bursts of anger can shorten your temper and that's ok. We don't aim to be perfect.

It's when your emotions control you that you have lost control. Have you ever heard an abuser say, "I lost control, I didn't mean it, I just couldn't stop"? This is a classic example of being controlled by your own emotions.

This can appear as insults, threats, physical abuse, and harsh words that you would not usually use. Shortly after, you will feel like you have run a marathon, and that's because when you experience a trigger and lose your emotional control, you can feel energetically deflated. It's as though someone has drained you of energy because the incident did, in fact, drain you of energy.

When we speak of triggers, we are talking about "losing control" of your emotions whereby you REACT rather than RESPOND. This is not about getting mad because your kid lost control of his ball and it bumped your coffee, spilling it all over you. It's a human reaction to get a little irritated.

If you still get mad at small things but you know deep down you can preserve your energy for better things, then begin to take the challenge of counting down from 10. Try breathing in deeply and slowly during this period. Practice makes perfect. Every challenge counts and before you know it, you'll be a master at emotional intelligence. You'll have mastered the art of changing the energy of the incident by taking control of your energy, your emotions (energy in motion).

Announcing Our Upcoming Course: Mastering The Art Of Emotional Intelligence

We are excited to announce the launch of our new course on emotional intelligence, starting in January 2025. This course is designed to help you go beyond intellectual understanding and truly embody the principles of emotional intelligence. You will learn practical techniques to manage your emotions, respond calmly in any situation, manipulate the energy in a highly toxic incident and heal past wounds to prevent further triggers.

Subscribe now to be notified of the course launch date and details. Join us on this transformative journey to mastering the true art of emotional intelligence.

By embracing the deeper work of emotional intelligence, you can achieve a state of genuine calm and resilience, empowering you to navigate life’s challenges with grace and wisdom. Remember, it’s not just about knowing—it’s about becoming.

Next time you feel triggered I challenge you to respond differently. That is the key to Mastering Emotional Intelligence.

One must be challenged in order to become a Master.